Sunday, July 9, 2017

Skittles Comeback, Delayed

I wrote this last year, after Donald Trump Jr. made an analogy about his father's then-proposed ban on Muslims. If some Skittles are poison, you wouldn't serve any of the Skittles, he asserted. I posted this to Facebook only and I ran across it today and decided to post it in the place where I don't want to disown people I've know most of my life... my blog.

A couple of thoughts on Skittles and whether we, as a country, would or would not serve the  Skittles if 3 of the Skittles were poisoned.

People are embracing this as a acceptable proxy for a discussion on whether or not to allow refugees into this country. Obviously we should not. I'm already here. You're here too, probably. Everybody else can suck it.

Concern for others is not an American value. Now that our (yours and mine) immigration (however legal, big shrug) is settled, it's time to pull up the rope ladder into our tree house. We have an awesome tree house and it's time to stop with all the new people who might want in the tree house. Sure, we might, at some point, wish we'd left that rope ladder down when we need something specific, but that's just hypothetical conjecture, and hypothetical conjecture is for losers. Ahem.

1. Skittles actually are poison. 11 people died from anaphylactic reaction to Skittles (mostly the candy shell) in 2012. We're still serving Skittles. Shellfish, peanuts and tree nuts are far more likely to cause an allergic reaction. Are you still serving those? Shellfish is an abomination (read the Constitution), peanuts are a legume (watch Third Rock From the Sun), and tree nuts brighten up any number of recipes by adding a nice texture that doesn't need cooking and is difficult to overcook (note: "do not overcook" is the most unhelpful instruction I've ever read, yet it's on every frozen food item that gets heated). You're still serving those. Congratulations, you're with the terrorists, and all because you wanted some crunch in your summer salad and would never consider croutons because of your alleged gluten sensitivity (and it's not like you're going to use some old pieces of gluten-free bread to make your own because how do you even do that? [Dice bread, warm in oven, DO overcook]).

2. If, instead of poisoning people, Skittles could be thrown at someone and kill them, we wouldn't have a problem with that. Bullets, the Skittles of the fire arm world, kill tens of thousands of people every year, and not all of them were asking for it. When people die from a Skittle, Americans buy a lot more Skittles.

3. Skittles wouldn't be poisoned if to poison a Skittle you had to apply to become a Skittle, then wait 18 months to 2 years for your first screening to be a Skittle then you had to get screened by 5 additional entities, all focused on whether you have the potential to become a poison Skittle. And during this 3-7 year period, you have to live in a war zone or refugee camp. But to be a poison Hershey's Kiss all you have to do is apply for a tourist visa to visit Las Vegas or Disney or New York City or Branson or Kim Kardashian's next wedding (clearly gay marriage destroyed Brad and Angelina). Years become weeks and you're not subjected to being around all these would-be regular Skittles with whom you might become empathetic and turn your back on the poison Skittle movement (plus all they ever serve are legumes and you're really craving some kung Pao shrimp).

4. About 30 years ago, when I was, um, 4, my mother mixed a bag of Skittles (non-poison) and plain m&ms. They are a delightful combination of chocolate and fruit flavors. If you dig chocolate-dipped strawberries or orange wedges, try it. Mix equal parts Skittles and plain m&ms. Do not overcook. Michelle dubbed then S&Ms, and Jackie and I remember them fondly.

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