Monday, February 27, 2017

First They Came For Nerd Prom

President Donald Trump (he wasn't a billionaire last year at this time but he probably is now) announced that he is not planning to attend the annual White House Correspondents Dinner1. Deputy White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders2 explains...

"If a Girl Scout egged your house, would you buy cookies from her?"
Okay, having grown up in Florida (Miami, so not the South) and Georgia (the South), and spending time in South Carolina (the South), becoming good friends with peeps from Louisiana (the South), living in Texas (not the South3, but lots of people from the South live there), and having former coworkers/friends from Arkansas (the South), I would like to call a foul (or is it a fowl?). I do not believe this is a saying in the South.

I watched 8 or 9 episodes of Nashville, most episodes of Designing Women and several of Evening Shade and that one with Billy Bob Thornton (my hope is that your first thought was that they made a 30 minute sitcom of Sling Blade and that at the end of every hilarious episode, someone had to die [spoiler alert for those who haven't seen Sling Blade the movie] but no, Hearts Afire is what I meant). Oh and Mayberry RFD/Andy Griffith, watched those. And I saw Deliverance and Midnight in the Garden of Good and AWFUL.

That phrase never once came up on Hee-Haw (I checked using the LexisNexis service for country music, LexyNexy™.

This is probably another slip of the tongue like the Bowling Green Massacre or the events in Sweden. That the administration alleging consistent falsification of information or biased coverage by the mainstream media/lamestream media (fake news and also fake news) continues to make shit up slips of the tongue like this is a clear sign that they need to Make America Great Again.

But I keep coming back to the alleged saying from the alleged South: "If a Girl Scout egged your house, would you buy cookies from her?" I'm gonna say "it depends":
  • Was I going to buy Girl Scout cookies from someone? Do you know how many Glutens are in one box? (So many.) This is a table stakes question: if I wasn't going to ever buy Girl Scout cookies, the egging is meaningless.
  • What is the chronology of the egging and the cooking sale? Is the Girl Scout selling me cookies seconds after egging the house and, thanks to her Stealth and Misdirection badges, she was able to make the sale before I was even aware of the egging? There was no way to use the information about the egging when considering the cookie purchase. They don't just give out badges people.
  • Between the time of the egging and the sale, did the Girl Scout do something like mature, apologize, clean up the mess or otherwise atone for the egging? There are Girl Scout programs for students ranging from Kindergarten to 12th Grade so it's possible this egging villain was aged 5 to 18 years old. Did you know that not everyone aged 5 to 18 years is well-behaved? And not everyone that does something stupid during those years (just the one stupid thing, that's all anyone in that age range ever does) remains not worthy of a cookie purchase. Sometimes you can have a "you're either with us or you're with the terrorists" mind set, but in things like cookie sales, nuance is important. 
  • Was the egging actually the Girl Scout putting out a very small house fire, earning her a Fire Safety badge and her Fastball badge? Because this Girl Scout probably saved you a hassle with your home owner's insurance, plus you didn't have to pay your deductible and have your rates jacked up4. If this scenario is true, you better damn well buy a lot of cookies.
Here's an actual saying from the South that I'd like to say to Sarah Huckabee Sanders: "bless your heart." It can't be easy try to figure out all them words and ideas and such. If you like your contempt for the mainstream media, you get to keep your contempt for the mainstream media. But don't go bringing the Girl Scouts or the Egg Council into this.
  1. The White House Correspondents Dinner is colloquially called Nerd Prom. San Diego Comic-Con International is also sometimes called Nerd Prom.
  2. The daughter of Governor Mike Huckabee married the son of Colonel Sanders and, thanks to the power of nepotism ("a little goes a long way"), she is now a part of the well-oiled machinery of the Trump White House. Once there was Take Your Daughter to Work Day; now they have Send Your Daughter to Work Day,
  3. Texas is Texas.
  4. Home owner's insurance is a racket created by the man. All insurance is awful, except for Health insurance which was a perfect system before Obamacare.

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