I feel like it's important for me to get a message through to Boris Epshteyn, a man totally at peace with his Semitic heritage and the Director of Communications for the Trump Inauguration Committee (a subsidiary of the Trump Organization).
That message? I am available to perform at the inauguration.
I'm offended that I haven't been asked, but I figure they assume I'm too busy.
Here's why I'm the perfect performer for the inauguration of Donald Trump:
- I'm a white guy. When black guys perform they can sing the exact same song note for note with perfect pitch, the same way the song has been sung thousands of times in the past, but we all know, deep down, that there's something not real American about them and the song (even when it's the exact same song... especially when it's the exact same song). That's because they're secretly using Arabic symbols to keep time in the music. And women who perform, well you just can't trust them. When has a white guy ever fucked up? Never, that's when.
- I have no aptitude for, nor experience with, this role. Based on the selection of Rick Perry, also a white guy, as Secretary of Oops, this means I meet the specifications.
- I'm not going to pay a lot for this muffler. You're not either. We probably have no idea what the fair price for a new muffler is, but we both agree that paying a lot for one is for losers. I'm no loser, I'm a white guy. And since we agree on the muffler purchase thing, obviously, the inauguration too, am I right?
- I am not stupid enough to eschew payment up front. Many people sue Donald Trump because he doesn't pay them for their work, but Trump explained that it's okay to not pay someone if you don't like the work that they did (and while American jurisprudence will tell you otherwise, I don't see American jurisprudence being inaugurated as president--also it's kind of weird that the savvy businessman would keep using shitty contractors [I keep using trusted providers over and over like an amateur]). But I promise not to sue for nonpayment because I will take my payment up front ($170,000 plus $250/day per diem plus first class non-stop airfare between Portland and a Washington DC airport--lodging not required as I will stay with Allison and Jared). It streamlines the whole process (USA Freedom Girls still waiting for their day in court... suckers).
- I'm not going to be one of these sluts or bitches (the sluts being the women who have sex with Donald Trump; the bitches, the ones who don't) when it comes to Donald Trump. Chances are he won't hit on me, and if he does, I am prepared to do to him what he is going to do to this country: make it great it again. Like a sweaty, selfish boss.
- I don't require a lot of special effects or wardrobe people or even musicians. I'll wear what I've got on (or maybe something clean) and I'll just sing along to whatever's on the 70s/80s/90s dentist office radio station: Elton, Shania, Michael Bolton, Mambo #5, Celine... yeah, I'll go there, I'll do the Celine stuff. And I won't try to rap.
The more I think about it, the more I feel like I'm the not just the performer this inauguration needs, I'm the one it deserves.
Also, and I can't stress this enough, white guy!