Saturday, November 12, 2016

With Apologies to Pastor Martin Niemöller

First, they came for the guns. Only they didn't actually come for the guns, but we (and by "we" I mean working- and middle-class white Americans, the real Americans, the only Americans that matter) did nothing. And by "did nothing" I mean we did nothing but complain about how they were coming for our guns.

Luckily we could afford to go buy more guns.


I mean a LOT more guns. Just a shit ton of guns. We bought 'em. You can't spell patriot without g-u-n. I mean, not those letters, but you can use a gun to shoot the word patriot into the side of some Muslim family's house.

Then they came to enact Sharia Law. Only they didn't actually come to enact Sharia Law which, to be honest, we couldn't actually explain to you if you asked, but all we know is that we refuse to have a religious law define how we live as Americans, which is why we demand the Ten Commandments (which we hope you don't ask us to enumerate) at all our courthouses. Because we can't name all ten commandments there's no way we can tell you how many of those are actually part of Sharia Law or how many are legal or illegal. But we do know that the Sabbath ends with the coin flip.

And then we bought more guns. Because, you know, you can never have too many guns.

Then they continued their war on Christmas. How dare they call the Christmas tree a holiday tree. Jesus was crucified on a Christmas tree for your sins!!! I mean, he wasn't, at all, and, in fact, that tree is technically a false idol per the Ten Commandments we don't know or follow (but that we still pretend to revere). Jeremiah was more than a bullfrog and the Old Testament is more than just Leviticus.

They stole the baby Jesus's birthday from us! No one ever speaks of Christmas. Which is why we bought more guns. We have to protect our way of life. A way of life that ignores a commandment and undermines the teachings of the dude we pretend to celebrate in an orgy of excess and flat screen TVs.


You're gonna need more guns to protect that.

Then they took our jobs. They took 'em. Whatever you do, don't blame the person who hired them (your Lou Dobbs or your Mittens Romney or your Donald Trump) because chances are they are just greedy white men who want to keep as much of their hard-earned/inherited money as they can. Is that a crime? I mean, the wanting to keep the money--the hiring of undocumented workers is actually a crime and, if they weren't white men with money, they might actually be held accountable for that.

But this is America. and America is for winners, and being born into money automatically makes you a winner. And what do winners (and people who want to be winners) need more than anything? The love of Jesus Guns!

OMG OMG OMG then they came to redistribute the wealth. Remember that?!!! All that wealth redistribution by the super socialist non-American Obama! If you were smart you listened to Glenn Beck and invested all your money in the Gold Line coins. Only because he's also weak and stupid, that wealth redistribution shifted more wealth into the hands of the wealthy. Sorry blacks. Shoulda got a better usurper in chief. Maybe one who was all black, not some half-black Kenyan faker.

So when you (or someone you asipre to be) has even more wealth, what can you do but buy more guns? Nothing.

So we bought more guns.

And then they came for the guns again, only, just like last time, they didn't come for the guns at all.


So now we need to stop the Muslims, to keep them from taking our freedoms. How dare they think they can come here for freedom of religion.

Idiots.

Shhh, you hear that? I think they're coming for our guns. Better reload and get more.

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