I am in a weird place emotionally. Geographically too. Spiritually. This fucking year.
There's probably a lesson that I'm not learning, something about expectations, plans, my ability to control things.
My inability to control things.
David's leaving a week from Saturday. I know he's worried about leaving me here alone, but it's important for both of us that he does. He's been both an invaluable help to me these last 6 years, but he's also been a source of frustration. He's here because I needed help when Clark was hospitalized for 2 weeks back in 2010. He helped. He's done everything I've asked, but fuck if grown men can't just get along with each other like they're fucking adults.
Maybe someone has hidden microcameras in the trim of the bathroom. Or created an EMF web that fucks with your skin. Maybe. It just seems more ambitious that the idiots who live with me but sure, maybe.
"Do you really think he was trying to kill Clark?" I was asked in Dallas. How the fuck can someone answer that question?
For what it's worth, the feeling was mutual.
And yet despite all this perceived harm, neither of them considered moving off to someplace safe.
I didn't watch the election returns Tuesday night. I had confidence that in order for Trump to win he'd need to pick up a variety of key states all of which he trailed in. Perhaps if I'd watched, seen the dominos falling one by one, I wouldn't have been so freaked out to wake the next morning to see how definitive his victory had been.
And unlike a Hillary Clinton win, there's no way this win was rigged. None. Because that's just sore fucking loser talk now.
America has elected a fucking idiot. Christians prayed to Jesus and he delivered the lying, greedy adulterer America deserves as its President.
At least he's not black.
And he's not a billionaire.
Or he wasn't. He will be soon enough.
This fucking year.
Leonard Cohen died today. Less than a month ago he said he was ready to die. I said I was ready for him to die too. Not that I have a problem with him, not in the least--I just feel like if he's ready, I'm okay with that. It's a courtesy I would like from others, but I don't expect it. People call suicide selfish, but I think the people who call it selfish are the selfish ones. "Live with your misery so I don't have to cope with losing you." Sweet.
I've never been a big Leonard Cohen fan, but I developed respect for him the same place I developed respect (respect that is very much deserved, to be clear) for Laura Nyro: during the movie A Home at the End of the World. I was deeply moved by the film and am frustrated that Colin Farrell's performance didn't garner end-of-the-year accolades. Roger Ebert's review covers it well. The movie features one song from Cohen, 2 from Laura Nyro & LaBelle (although I think they were still Patti LaBelle & the Bluebells then), 2 from Dylan, and a few other classic tracks (The Band, Jefferson Airplane). The official soundtrack lacks many of those but supplements with new Duncan Shiek music. None of that's important right now...
Songs don't get any more anthemic than "Halleluah". And few can do justice to the song as well as k.d. lang. So just fucking bask in it. Respect.
Rest in peace dude.