Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Nettles, Nettles, Ted and Alice

Me in the woods
Yesterday I went into the woods... on purpose. And when I did, I posted about it on Facebook. Why Facebook? Because I didn't expect much from Grindr at that hour and also, with my coworkers around, awkward. No, wait, I mean I have no idea what Grindr even is, why are you bringing it up?

I described it as being like The Blair Witch project but with less crying. A little less crying.

Many of you concerned followers of my always-amusing feed understood that my post about being in the woods might have been a cry for help. It wasn't (this time) but could easily have been. Hell, the only reason I can think of to go into the woods is to dispose of a body and I would probably take my chances explaining a corpse to police officers than go through all the fucking effort. Also we have rivers here.

So if you see me post things like "great day for a hike" or "so happy to be walking up and down extremely steep terrain and breathing in such an embarrassingly heavy manner that it's clear I've made poor life choices" or "psyched to see Nickelback tonight" it's very likely my way of subtly calling for help. Of course in this scenario I have internet access and, rather than using that to contact authorities I've decided to try my luck with subtlety and the bozos on Facebook (I mean you, my friends) but don't dwell on that. Ask yourself why someone would kidnap me.

Because, when you think about it, that's fucking laughable.

"Yes, let's get the slow, sarcastic guy who's going to ridicule our plan, down to the specifics of selecting him as a hostage, and won't look up from his damn phone" seems an unlikely thought.

But someone thought the Zune was a good idea so you never know. I do have very captivating eyes. Or so I tell myself.

Children having been educated
Anyway, as a day of service (and not the mandated community service kind) peeps from my company went into Deep Woods Off territory to clear English ivy (which I find quite lovely but apparently has kudzu-like qualities up here--it strangles trees so of course it has to go). The ivy to be cleared was in a dry creek bed reached first by a trail that I'm sure is like the first part of the Mt. Everest climb and then by rappelling 80 meters down a treacherous snake-filled embankment.*

However, because I'm so charismatic it was decided I shouldn't be subjected to the possibility of snakes or a working around others. Instead I stayed safely up on the trail clearing stinging nettles (also called the common nettle also called urtica dioica, but you already knew that).

I managed not to get stung. And I educated a group of children about... something. I forget what they asked. Probably about my captivating eyes,UPDATE: It was about the ivy and why it needed to be removed. I told them it's bad, like gluten or store-bought Halloween costumes. And I gave the chaperon/mom a look that reinforced my seriousness on store-bought costumes.

We live in a society!

Also here's a song by Jennifer Nettles. Enjoy.

* At least some of these details are true.

Song of the Day: "Holy Dove"

I know what you're thinking: "isn't that that band?"


That was a different band.

Song: "Holy Dove"
Artist: Civil Twilight