Sunday, December 8, 2013

R.I.P. Nelson Mandela OR Why Armageddon is a Really Shitty Movie

Matt Damon IS Nelson Mandela
Nelson Mandela passed away last week. I know you know.

And it's a safe assumption on your part that the reason I haven't posted an obituary is because Nelson Madela doesn't have great beefcake pics. And you'd be wrong. Matt Damon looked awesome portraying him in Invictus.

No, it's because Nelson Mandela was a terrorist. He was.

He was a terrorist according to the US government (so much so that we kept him on a terrorist watch list until someone said something back in 2008 (details here). The money quote in the article is when Winnie Mandela said that American business interests outweighed the government's disdain for apartheid.

Ya think?

American business interests are all we care about. And we are aweSUM as a result.

Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in prison because he was a prisoner and he was a prisoner because he was a criminal and a terrorist. Also he studied Islam. Same thing I'm sure.

27 years. George W. Bush hasn't spent more than a few hours in jail ergo Nelson Mandela is like 59,130 times worse than George W. Bush. At a minimum. (Assumes Bush spent a total of 4 hours in jail.)

Mandela escaped from prison or something and ended up being elected President of the South in Africa. And when he took office he introduced an exhaustive series of reparations* so that black South Africans could get revenge on whitey. I think Michelle Obama wrote her Princeton thesis on these reparations; its title, "Kill Whitey" (to this day she still wants to kill Joe Biden).

Reparations were a perfect example taking advantage of people when they're at their weakest. In this case the poor white minority was being threatened by the non-white majority minority they're marginalized for years and Nelson Mandela was a tyrannical leader exacting payback. It reminded me of this scene from Armageddon. "Never miss an opportunity to rape the weak"--Nelson Mandela

You remember how, on 9/11, all those first responders held people in the World Trade Center hostage by threatening not to step up until they didn't have to pay taxes? Me neither. But that's how good Armageddon is, it gets underneath the fearless behavior of people who think of more than themselves by showing us their deepest motivations. The 30% of the income you make that is paid in taxes is worse than everyone in your life dying from the impact of a giant meteor. I think it was Nelson Mandela who said "never miss an opportunity to rape the weak"... him or Winnie. Or Michelle Obama. They all look alike (those 3).

Howie Mandel spent 27 years in prison and his only concern after his release was unifying his country. The minute Republicans lost to Obama in 2008 they decided to spent the next 4 years doing nothing, dragging every item on Obama's agenda down to a glacier's pace (if that).


I doubt George W. Bush's release after his decades in prison for war crimes and crimes against humanity will show us as similarly magnanimous a side. Sure of it. Hopefully Laura Bush won't kill anyone else during that time.

Oh, and Tyler Perry's Madea was a terrorist. The same people that tell us that also told us that Manuel Noriega was our friend until he was our enemy. And that Osama bin Laden was our friend until he was our enemy (we're still close to the bin Laden family, they were the only ones who got to fly on the evening of 9/11). And Saddam Hussein, he was totes our ally until he wasn't. So Madea = terrorist now and forever. (It's not my fault all the blacks look alike.)

Oh, it's entirely possible that not all the details in this are accurate. And for that I am sorry. By way of reparations please listen to Matt Damon reading "Invictus" from the movie Nelson in 3-D.

Nelson Mandela was a great man who deserves far better than this. Rest in peace dude.

* OMG he didn't. He did nothing of the sort. When I wrote this I assumed everyone knew that part of the greatness of Mandela was to focus on uniting everyone in a post-apartheid South Africa. That was pretty fucking stupid of me.

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