Saturday, August 4, 2012

Happy Birthday Barack HUSSEIN Obama

Here's a thing that people really need to remember: sometimes, when you're drunk or high, you say a lot of shit that later, when you're no longer drunk or high, you really can't be expected to deliver on. Whether it's opening a bar with the coolest juke box or living in tents on the beach in Costa Rica or reforming health care in America, some shit is just shit and you really shouldn't expect anything to happen.

Oh, yeah, the euphoria of George W. Bush (war criminal/criminal against peace/multiple felon/drunk/entitled cry baby asshole/son of John F. Kennedy's assassin) leaving office is a kind of high.

I know all this and still I was sooo disappointed that Obammer didn't come through. Not on Guantanamo (but I'm sure Mittens will come through on DOUBLE Guantanamo), not on transparency, not on health care reform (okay, kind-of a little, but not much). Eric assumed my disappointment was rooted in my not getting gay married instantly the day after the inauguration, but it was mostly the health care thing. I'm worried about my mother who still isn't covered by Medicare, which is weird since she's a great grandmother (weirder still since I'm only 27).

It's great that his totally-not-opportunistic change on teh gayz marrying happened. It's not a bit craven and totally heartfelt, as is the NAACP's similar change of position. Hooray!!! With friends like these...

Anyway, as you know Obammer has, by himself, put more blacks on food stamps than ever before and also single-handedly bailed out the banks, did TARP, allowed Bin Laden to attack on 9/11 and then had the audacity to NOT go all ADD on tracking down Bin Laden so he could do an end zone dance (they have dances in the end zone? like disco music? I should watch more American footballs), and sent more jobs overseas than any other black President ever has.

By the way, people call him black which I think is unfair. He's half black. And even that is pessimistic. I like to think of him as half white.

Because I am an optimist.

A very racist optimist.

But if you want to know who the real racist is, it's Obammer. Everything he does, really, is racist. Actually according Rush Limbaugh, Obammer is racist with a drug problem and bad grades who also hates women. That Rush, he really does have a mirror some amazing insights.

Of course, Obammer wasn't born in Hawaii and thus is ineligible to even be President. All the documentation that says otherwise is part of an elaborate hoax or an easily gotten souvenir Hawaii birth certificate that I hear is super easy to get (just ask for one, they will send it free) although no one I've ever asked to show me an example of that has ever returned my emails. Rude.

Here's what I'll say about that: if you are clever enough to work a scam this elaborate for over 40 years, you're probably every bit as qualified as the drunk who never had to earn a fucking thing in his life. Possibly more.

Obamacare, which is so unlike Romneycare as to force me to pause for a laugh...

HA! a tax. And socialisms. And it is the biggest tax increase the world has ever seen. And also it's tyranny. The government is MAKING us eat broccoli. It's like that time they made us wear seat belts except that happened when Reagan and Bush 1 were in office, so that's nothing like tyranny and everything like smart policy. It's, um, limited liberty! Yes, thank you Ronald Reagan, for limited liberty! In the interest of full disclosure, the seat belts laws are state laws and not a Federal over reach the likes of which have never been seen before, like Medicare. That was a really bad socialisms. I bet the anti-colonial Kenyan conspirators started that too.

Oh, and, AND, Obammer's an elitist. He is. Karl Rove pointed out that Obammer is like one of those guys at the country club, with a beautiful date, holding a martini and smoking a cigarette and making snide comments. Which is AWE-sum. Because when you think of a country club, you think of a black man at a party.

Half black white man.

Sarah Palin says he's an elitist too. I don't remember why and her palm is all smudgy, but I know it's accurate cause everything she says is right on target surveyor's mark.

Of course, I had to let my country club membership lapse when I realized I could no longer afford it (I made a few bad FabergĂ© egg purchases and the people at Goldline stopped answering my calls) and also I couldn't find one to accept me as a member in the first place.

And it turns out the money I put into Goldline's collectible gold coins didn't quite hold their value relative to the US economy which I was assured was both tanking and suffering from crippling inflation. It's as if putting my money in regular savings account, or even a sock drawer, would have been a smarter investment but I'm sure Glenn Beck feels really bad about that.

Do you support our troops? I sure do! I give and give to the men in uniform, even if they are out of uniform at the time.

But Obammer didn't wear a flag pin on his lapel that time, which makes him a traitor (although if he's not from here he is not actually a traitor).

Also he voted against military funding which is treason/causes chills in Cindy Lou Who McCain's spine, unless John McCain's doing it, in which case it's actually a vote for liberty.

So what if flag pins, and American flags, and the US Olympic team's Opening Ceremony outfits were made in China. At least union fat cats weren't getting rich off someone not working in a sweat shop and possibly earning a living wage. If you want to earn a living wage then work real hard to be born into a wealthy family and live off investment income, dumbass. It really is your own fault you're not wealthy. Unless you're a Palestinian, in which case providence is pissed at you, I think.

And now Obammer's taking the jobs of executing Americans without due process away from American people and giving it to drones.

But I'm sure the drones are built here.

By non-union robots.

OMG remember when he told us to check our tire pressure? Our tire pressure!!! That's tyranny, right there. Even if NASCAR (recipient of over $30 million from the Federal Government, via military recruiting ads on cars and during races [that's not pork, that's smart business]) does it, if you do it you're succumbing to tyranny. Or socialisms. I forget.

Anyway, Gardisil and broccoli for all! Next year, when he and Michelle ("kill whitey!") are enjoying your new jobs hosting various shows on OWN (she'll host a lifestyle show about cooking/gardening and a talk show that will rival Oprah's in popularity while he'll anchor their new newscast for 18 months before they just pull the plug [later Sasha and Malia will give him an Affirmative Action-like position as in-house council for their fashion lines, making them the real black Olsen twins, sorry Tia and Tamara]), and President Mittens has fixed the economy with his Jobs-Creating Machine(tm) (and Double Guantanamo and his single-handedly built natural gas pipeline) we can look back and laugh.

And eat more broccoli.

UPDATE: Barack Obama has 2 Grammys and a Daytime Emmy.

Song of the Day: "Black Rain"

Remember when Keane were written off as a copy of a copy (Travis) of a copy (Coldplay) of Radiohead ? Well they've definitely moved up. You can hear direct influences of Radiohead, unfiltered, in this new album!!! I like all of those bands (some more than others, because c'mon, how many versions of "Yellow" do you need?) so while that's totally vaguely insulting to normal people, I think of it as praise.

Most of you know I'm not normal, right?

FUN FACT: Black Rain is also the name of a movie in which Michael Douglas fights ninjas!!! Or at least Michael Douglas fights the Yakuza, with the help of Andy Garcia, because who didn't love cocaine in the 80s? Holy shit #1: Kate Capshaw was in the movie!!! (Seriously, I thought she was done after the Short Round and Dennis Quaid's dreamy butt movies.) Holy shit #2: The movie was nominated for 2 Oscars!!! (In the categories nobody cares about, let's say Best Casting and Best Title Credit Design.)

Later Michael Douglas would go on to be sexually harassed by Demi Moore because who didn't love cocaine with Prozac in the 90s?!

I'm sure Keane have an album out and/or are touring. And possibly Travis or Coldplay or Radiohead as well.

Song: "Black Rain"
Artist: Keane

Friday, August 3, 2012

Song of the Day: "Look At Where We Are"

Remember that thing with those people that time? Well this is just like that only different.

In Our Heads is the latest from Hot Chip. This is from that.

Song: "Look At Where We Are"
Artist: Hot Chip

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Song of the Day: "October"

According to the band's Wikipedia entry, Helio Sequence aren't from Portland, they're from Beaverton.

Beaverton is the Norcross of Portland, so in some small way, Lillian Webb's dream still flourishes.

And Negotiations, the band's fifth full length album, is coming out... eventually. Probably soonish.

Song: "October"
Artist: Helio Sequence

I like mine with extra mayo

(via @godlessathiest)

It sounds like the Chik-fil-A day of support was a huge success. That is awesome, I like their lemonade and I'm pretty sure their sandwiches are the only reason I started eating pickles.

The founder of Chik-fil-A, Truett Cathy, spoke at my college graduation. I was surprised to learn that his faith led him to keep the restaurant closed on Sundays. It's a costly decision and one I respect, as it doesn't really harm anyone--attending to one's faith is great; assuming everyone else has (or should have) exactly the same faith as you, not great; attempting to force your faith on others, bad. I like that Mittens Romney tithes; I dislike that Mittens otherwise goes to great lengths to avoid paying his fair share in income tax.

Dan Cathy, the current President of Chik-fil-A (hmm, that's the same last name as the founder and Chairman, Truett Cathy, I wonder if they're related somehow [SEE ALSO: a little nepotism goes a long way; George W. Bush; "my daddy gave me a _____ business, so I know!"; Mittens Romney), has come under fire recently for remarks made critical of marriage equality, declaring:
"We are very much supportive of the family -- the biblical definition of the family unit. We are a family-owned business, a family-led business, and we are married to our first wives. We give God thanks for that."-Dan Cathy
What is interesting in all of this is just how limited Dan and his dad seem to be with respect to the biblical definition of family. For example, Dan says they are married to their first wives, but he doesn't mention any of their concubines, additional wives, or wives' slaves. It's like they're ignoring the real biblical definition of family. Hey, here's a quick guide (click to embiggen):
Upworthy via @kristinluck
I mean, technically, only eating the french fries still means you never stray from the official menu, but c'mon guys, it wouldn't be in there if it weren't right.

Hopefully they don't let their male employees shave, don't let girls manage men, don't accept credit cards, don't allow menstruating girls (employees or customers) in the restaurant, and stone to death (or at least evict) kids who sass their parents and adulterers (like that piece of shit Michael Bowers, former Attorney General of Georgia).

There's also a whole thing about bats being birds, but I'm sure a place that serves fowl would never try to serve you breaded and deep fried bat (would it?). Of course not, we were totally greeted as liberators (sorry, wrong rant).

No fixed fabric uniforms.

No tattoos.

No shellfish (abomination!!!!).

Did I mention girls are only worth 50% of men? Does the pay reflect that? (Probably not, tyranny/socialisms!!!)

And now the Cathy's probably have to pay for Gardisil and birth control for their slutty girl employees.

But the sandwiches are delicious. Is that like a lemony flavor with the pickles, or on the bun?

Insomnia got the best of me.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Just when you thought Joseph Gordon-Levitt couldn't get any more awesome

"All because a kid learned about civil liberties"
JG-L went and recorded a not-quite-Schoolhouse Rock (but it fills a void and teaches an important lesson) video on your rights as an American (assuming you are one... you're not a Commie are you?) with respect to taking photographs even if a police officer tells you to stop and/or tries to confiscate your camera.

If you don't trust the words of singing cartoons, you can get more details on your rights at the ACLU's website here, although clicking on the link means you love liberty and thus are a liberal.

DISCLAIMER: Knowledge of your rights will not prevent Portland police officers from shooting and/or killing you.

Today in Jurisprudence with Rep. Steve King (R-IA)

(h/t Wonkette)

If you think it's illegal to rape a 13-year old girl, you're wrong.

If you think it's illegal to transport a minor across state lines, you're wrong.

If you think it's illegal to force a minor to have an abortion, you're wrong.

And if you think it's illegal to leave that girl at the swing set, like happens a lot here in the US-of-As, you're so wrong I don't even know why we're friends.

Thank you Rep. King. Your keen insights make it clear that we should allow dog fighting.

Song of the Day: "Levels"

VMA nominations were announced yesterday (like you weren't watching Joe Jonas and Faye Dunaway read the nominations live online, silly me). It's cute they still do those, right? Like anyone's thought of MTV as a place to watch music videos since, I don't know, The Real World?

"We don't glorify teen pregnancy, we just don't not glorify it. And besdies, Kotex needs to reach 12-19 year old girls, you'll complain if the ads run during How I Met Your Mother"... I can hear your justifications and you know what? That shirt looks stupid with those pants.

Anyway, it's always fun to see lists of things considered "good" by the hoi polloi* ("I think he's talking to you"-Homer J. Simpson Thompson) as sometimes I make new friends. Friends in a loose, musical sense, not friends in a euphemism for rushed anonymous sex sense. Like I would ever do that (before 7 [but after 7 {CUE: seductive music}]) .

2 turntables and a chicken bone
That's how I learned of Skrillex Avicii.

"Next time learn of Selena Gomez" I can hear you saying.

Shut up, voices in my head.

Avicii is a Swedish DJ and, I'm assuming, a Fatboy Slim fan. Is that Spike Jonze? Is it Richard Koufey? Are you even reading this?

No, no you're not.

"Levels" (sometimes written as "Le7els" which would be pronounced le-seven-els, so not by me) is nominated for Best Electronic Dance Music Video (I assume they left a "/" out otherwise there would be a category for non-electronic dance music, right?), but it's up against the Kree-Skrull War Skrillex and everybody loves that video.

It's also nominated for Best Choreography, competing against Beyonce, Rhianna, Jennifer Lopez (oh how cute, she still pretends to make music) and Chris Brown. I can't imagine a scenario in which Chris Brown doesn't express anger inappropriately if he loses, but maybe if Kanye presents and Beyonce doesn't win, hilarity might ensue. Fingers crossed.

Also, side note, I can't think of the word levels without Edina talking about having a series of levels as the redesign of her home. Sweeties.

Song: "Levels"
Artist: Alvin and the Chipmunks Avicii

* If you are angry at the redundancy of "the" with hoi polloi, congratulations, that MFA is really paying for itself. I actually went back and forth on it, read the Wikipedia entry on it, decided it looked dumb without "the" and rationalize this the way "the" can modify alcohol. I added this footnote when I realized that I could use this to trap you. Mwahahahaha. Now, give me your lunch money, nerd.

Needs a Reboot: How I Met Your Mother

So many of you have been asking me for ideas on how CBS might salvage its once clever Monday night middle child of a sitcom that it would be criminal to assume you were just voices in my head and not share my wisdom with you on this, the forum for culture and creativity, my blog. Where is my lighter?

How I Met Your Mother's greatest strength has become its biggest liability. It's got an incredibly likeable cast (plus Josh Radnor). We'd all rather see them doing something else.

Anything else.

Tire Shopping with Alyson Hannigan on Speed Network, for example.

While we see plenty of Neil Patrick Harris and Jason Segel (nice penis, by the way) now, could we see more of them (NPH, penis?) if they were liberated from the show? I hope we find out soon.

In nearly every scenario, the incredibly likeable cast gets their freedom while Josh Radnor and Bob Saget continue in their current dynamic as slacker protagonist and narrator. Alyson Hannigan will be given a producer's credit if she appears in 6 episodes which I assume will appeal to her because then she can rub it in Sarah Michelle Gellar's face: the show's success, the movies (technically one plus sequels, still better than Scooby-Doo), the marriage. Actually, I think many of us would watch that, so let's remember that for a CBS Special (I will submit it for Special Class Nonfiction Program).

Option A: How I Left Your Mother Once the unnamed, unseen mother starts to get fat and hormonal, it is time for Ted to hit the road. What's more hilarious than a deadbeat dad meandering across the country telling strangers (special guest stars like Loni Anderson and Thelma Hopkins [no, wait, she's black] and Markie Post) about that party with a goat. I know how it is, not all my stories are interesting either. Maybe he'll drive a talking car.

Option B: How I Killed Your Mother The interest in gruesome crime dramas seems like it won't ever go away. Why not give the show to some of the CSI/SVU types, and make Ted a fugitive, a la the fugitive in The Fugitive. I think Amy Madigan would be excellent as the grizzled agent hot on his trail, mainly as that will give me more quality time with Ed Harris. He's how old now? I think Deborra-Lee Furness, in her TV debut, will be excellent as the feisty agent hot on his trail.

Option C: How I Met YOUR Mother Josh Radnor and Bob Saget in an RV, traveling the country and meeting mothers from all walks of life. White mothers, if that wasn't obvious. Maybe they help them remodel a home, or cook using just ingredients in the house, or find a lost love. Does it matter? You're not gonna watch it either (except maybe if your mom is on--that's how we get people to watch, tell them their mom is on that week). Is Sarah Michelle Gellar a mom? Cause, yeah, we're booked that week, sorry.

All of these scenarios will result in the show's cancellation in 2013 (you're welcome America), so look for Josh Radnor on Dancing with the Stars in 2014. Cobie Smulders has agreed to sit in the audience for 30 minutes and appear to root for Josh if he promises to stop asking her why she was in The Avengers.

But if you know the answer to that please tell me, because... why?

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Pick-a-thon picks: Langhorne Slim

I asked J-Rod for a set of songs that might further showcase the young man (younger than me, that's young) from Langhorne PA. In addition to today's song of the day (see how that works), here are 3 more. Slim's set is the middle of the afternoon, when the sun and liquor  will combine to make my face red and my eyes droopy... if I play my cards right.

I wonder if there's a waterin' hole (it's called Pick-a-thon for fuck's sake)... I might have to bring my Speedo.

"Diamonds and Gold"

"Honey Pie"

Speaking of honey pies, I wonder if my girlfriend from the Avett Bros. show will be there announcing where we are.




And I'll throw in "I Love You, But Goodbye" because sometimes that's all  you can say. Not me, I'm, what's the word, garrulous. For reals, look it up.

Song of the Day: "The Way We Move"

J-Rod calls the recent Langhorne Slim the best happiest break-up album he's (J'es) ever heard. I stopped underestimating J's taste in music (he's not the Daughtry fan I assumed, but he really should embrace a big stupid pop song every now and then... it'll help him get in practice for raising a daughter) otherwise I would have said "of the 3 of them?" But that's mean.

It'll be good to see him and the gals this weekend at Pick-a-thon where today's song of the day dude is performing. J beams about a chance encounter with Lang when they drank and talked Philies (note to self: check on Chase Utley's status and the Philies' standings. I know Chase was injured during the All-star Game (it's why I didn't watch, c'mon).

The Way We Move is Langhorne Slim's 7th full length album. J-rod likes it more than Shoot Out the Lights or Workbook.

Langhorne Slim - The Way We Move from Langhorne Slim on Vimeo.

Song: "The Way We Move"
Artist: Langhorne Slim

Monday, July 30, 2012

Pick-a-thon picks: Neko Case

As a solo artist and as part of the super group (bitten by radioactive spiders while exposed to cosmic rays as lightning hit a wall of chemicals in their lab) The New Pornographers, Neko has ranked high on my best of lists for the last few years. I worked around seeing her as I picked which day to go, and am amazed at the number of people who respond to my enthusiasm with a big ol' "meh."

Regardless, listen to the lyrics. "You know, they call them 'killer whales'..." still makes me smile. Still reminds me of Clark in its own way.
"People Gotta Lotta Nerve"

One of the problems of hanging out with tornados, is tornados can be destructive. Don't you hate that?
"This Tornado Loves You"

With New Pornographers, a totally 80s sound!
"Letter From an Occupant"

Also with NPs, one of my very favorites from 2 years ago. A coworker sitting 15 feet away said she could hear whistling from my earphones one day. Also, the video is fucking great.
"Crash Years"

Song of the Day: "Titanium"

In this recent (recent enough, bitch) collaboration with David Guetta, Sia sings "shoot me down, but I won't fall, I am titanium."

That's just stupid.

Titanium has many unique characteristics, but it is in no way gravity resistant. Titanium falls honey, titanium falls.

Titanium Falls sounds like a lovely vacation destination.

And finally, titanium is the color of paint around the base of my house and will be the color of 3 walls of my new shed. I'll gloat more about that soon.

David Guetta - Titanium (feat. Sia) by DavidGuetta-Official

Song: "Titanium"
Artist: David Guetta/Sia

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Pick-a-thon picks: Cass McCombs

Cass first crossed my path last year when he released both Wit's End and Humor Risk. My big achievement for 2011? Driving my Passat onto a bike path I mistook for an on-ramp while sober and not fiddling with my phone, and not damaging either side of the car (the underbody, however, a whole other thing). If I tried to do it in broad daylight I never could.

He'd released 5 albums before that, which may correspond to the total number of car accidents I've had, but this isn't about me (and I'm an excellent driver).

Cass has a late show Saturday night, and I'm worried about the logistics of the parking lot that late (although maybe I'll take the Pathfinder--it'll get out, or I'll cause such a ruckus they let me out to shut me up). Either way, here are some tracks.

"County Line"

"Dreams Come True Girl"

"You Saved My Life"

Song of the Day: "I Got It Bad (And That Ain't Good)"

Grammy winner Sir Joe Jackson--I call him a Grammy winner now that he's won a Grammy, I call him Sir because I knighted him for his deluxe musical awesomeness. I call him Joe Jackson cause he asked me not to call him pumpkin in public, or on the blog. But you know me and Joe, we're either fighting or making up with angry passionate sex.

Actually that's not true, JJ and I have gotten along just fine since the late 90s. Whatever meds he's been on have been working for him (because I'm NEVER the problem).

The Duke is Joe's 20th studio album and a tribute to Duke Ellington. I told him to do an Eartha Kitt tribute, but he ignored me. So clearly whatever meds he's on are working.

Song: "I've Got It Bad (And That Ain't Good")
Artist: Pumpkin Joe Jackson

Pick-a-thon picks: Dr. Dog

I'm trying to get Clark better acquainted with the bands I'm planning to see next Saturday at Pick-a-thon (he's coming with, but may opt to see bands on alternate stages, possibly to get some space from me, see also: what-EVER, I'm fun!!!!). First up, Dr. Dog, a band I've been growing to like more and more over the last 4 years or so, via Philadelphia radio I hear via the inter-tubez.

Here's a cross section:

"Take Me Into Town"

"Shadow People"

"That Old Black Hole"

"My Old Ways"

Putting the Dor in adorkable

(You know "adorkable" is not pejorative, right?)


@DorDotson: do i look like the kind of girl who hasn't tried Craigslist?
Once upon a time I was a person who did things like go to [non-pornographic] movies and see bands. Film festivals, LA in January to see limited-release Oscar contenders, even sneaking away for a long lunch at the Fox Tower (oh look, Moonrise Kingdom at 12:35... or Qdoba nachos at my desk because I don't know how to create reasonable boundaries around my job [note: neither scenario was me going to the gym or otherwise getting exercise]). I am no longer that person (although when I was that person my movie reviews were hysterical, I swear), but Dor Dotson is.

I mean, she's likely not as purely awesome as me. How could she be? No penis.

Well, no known penis.

But otherwise she's the kind of person who gets out and does stuff, then writes about it, and can drop a phrase like "high quality Israeli cinema" without seeming pretentious like I did just then. Try using that phrase at work this week to see how well you do.

She's also working through the fundamentals and grappling with what she still hasn't seen (in as much as Back to the Future is a fundamental). Reading tweets about her missing a screening of Jaws but excited about seeing Hello Dolly made me feel like an audience member at a slasher movie: "girl, don't go in there!" Jaws is so iconic that you can almost get by skipping it since you've seen so much influenced by it over and over. As for Hello Dolly... "oooh, I know, let's put Walter Matthau in a musical" is not something a lot of people said, ever.

I think I worked with Dor for 3 months when I had that job in LA for 6 months back when John Kerry was Mitt Romney (2004). I have no idea what she does now, aside from the whirlwind of blogging her movies at Movies with Dor and tweeting her drinking problem hobby; and maybe I don't want to know. If she's unemployed or has a job more boring than mine, I'll feel bad for her; if she has a job cooler than mine, I'll hate her in some small way. And if she has a job exactly as mundane as mine, it's a reminder that we're all doomed, right?

OMG when will this Xanax kick in (it's 4:30 a.m., I just watched an hour of the fucking remake of The Women).

Win a date with me by visiting
And she always has tons of hot photos of Ryan Gosling.



(I know how to generate web traffic from gay men and tween girls.)