Friday, June 1, 2012

Nice try DC Comics, but no

As all of you know (every last being on the face of the earth capable of reading these words, I'm sure) DC Comics recently announced a plan to out an existing character as gay. It was all anyone talked about for weeks--even during the Indianapolis 500 the sports talking dudes were all distracted by it "would they be so audacious as to officially make Batman gay" (cause, obviously, he is).

I was rooting for The Joker because, ha ha ha, I thought it would be awesome if something so obviously a publicity stunt ended up falling flat. Every person who tweeted the news that DC was doing this would have instantly been disgusted. I'm sure Joe Solomonese would have demanded something, but then that's probably how he orders lunch: "I demand a Cobb salad!"

And here's who DC Comics has decided is now gay: Alan Scott. I know right?! (Okay, maybe not everybody knows Alan Scott is the secret identity of the original Green Lantern, later Sentinel, back to Green Lantern [but not like Ryan Reynolds Green Lantern... duh] --  I guess your high school didn't offer World Literature -- anyway, that's who that is.)
Doesn't even have a speedo in his costume.
This is not the costume of a gay man. Except for like 12 to 18 months in the early part of the 90s, there is no way a gay man would dress so vividly. He's supposed to be gay, not a Jugalo, right?.

I'm sure editors at DC thought "he has jewelry" but the jewelry in question allows him to create anything he can imagine and have you ever seen the original Green Lantern fighting with an army of green Ryan Goslings? Me neither. Not gay.

Since DC decided to pick a character from Earth 2, let's consider some alternatives: did they go with the guy who never wears a shirt and who travels with a fag hag partner dressed in the same theme? They did not.

Did they pick the guy who has a big pink partner? They did not.

Did they pick the dude who takes a pill to give him special powers for a while? No. Also, seriously, why isn't Hour Man the one dressed like he's going to a rave?

I guess they looked at the 2 worst dressed--Green Lantern (front left) and Starman (front right)--and, thinking the gravity rod looked too much like a sex toy, opted for the guy with the jewelry. Never mind that he was married and had 2 kids that also became super heroes (that happens, by the way, people get married, have kids and, oh by the way, I'm gay... and now you're a super hero!).

Fail.

Here's who they should have picked: Wildcat.

The unemployed guy in the big city, gets help from an older man ("Socker" Smith--seriously, not "Sucker" Smith?) who takes an interest in developing the young man's body, er, skills. The guy who then spends all his free time at the gym.  The guy dressed in slimming dark solids. That's the guy who would be gay.

"But he's a macho dick," people who remember things before 1985 might say. And "shouldn't you be getting ready to go to work" they might also say.

Yes, the most macho are also always the most gay.

As are the most homophobic/anti-gay.

But not the guy dressed in all primary and secondary colors. He's just going through a mid-life crisis of some kind.

OMG, DC Comics, hire me to write Midlife Crisis on Infinite Earths!!!

UPDATE: And if you think my rationale for why Alan Scott isn't gay undermines my selection of The Joker based on, you know, fashion sense, here's the thing: if you've ever met a gay dude who gets into the leather scene and doesn't seem to have an off button, The Joker is that, only manifested in purple and green crushed velvet.

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