Recently a good friend, let's call him Mitch Jones, was buying a new car. A "flaming tangerine" new car. And it turns out his friend Juan had a late model, low miles vehicle that his grandFATHER was no longer able to drive, that Juan had been given by, um, a werewolf hunter working in Idaho (I have to add interesting plot points where I can).
For Juan, the vehicle was more burden than blessing (let's say that it had a weird werewolf-related curse, but that curse only applied to the werewolf hunter and to the person to whom the car was given by the hunter, and any subsequent transfer would be curse-free because as I think through the story, that little nuance might bite me in the ass, so end of curse once it leaves Juan's possession).
It could only be driven on the nights with a full moon. (That's the best I can come up with, because apparently I'm not giving up on that plot point even thought it ends here.)
So Juan implored the ruggedly handsome Mitch Jones to investigate the possibility of trading in the soon-to-be-no-longer-cursed, late model, low mileage car in on the purchase of the flaming tangerine new car, so that Juan could avoid the carnival sideshow experience that is selling something on Craigslist.
If you aren't familiar with Craigslist, it is like a giant college bulletin board put online, except that in addition to ride shares, jobs, services, and stuff for sale, there are also personal ads with some amazingly specific and/or statistically unrealistic expectations. If you want someone to offer 460 gallons of cottage cheese in exchange for the used laptop you're trying to sell, then Craigslist is for you. If you have a 20 minute window after your wife leaves for work before you need to leave for work, and you want someone to come to your house in that window so you can indulge a very specific sexual fantasy, then Craigslist is for you -- it probably won't work, but it's free, so what's the harm? I mean, aside from someone trying to learn enough about you to exploit that information later and possibly ruining your life. Did I mention it's free?
Anyway, after a prior experience selling a used vehicle on the list that is Craig's, Juan was reluctant and I don't blame him. So the late model, low mileage, soon-to-not-be-cursed car went to the auto dealership, and the haggling commenced. "It was in an accident," they said.
"Me no habla," said Juan.
"WE CAN ONLY OFFER YOU THIS MANY DOLLARS" they said loudly and slowly: the American method of universal language translation.
Fast forward with your TiVo remote and a deal is found. Is it the best deal? No. Is it the worst deal? No. Did Juan avoid the threat of deportation by selling the car on Craigslist and having an Immigration Agent be the buyer and then find himself forced to marry some random stranger (possibly Andie MacDowell, possibly Tonya Harding) to stay in the country, as always happens in the sitcoms? Yes. And no more car with its associated werewolf-related curse.
And he gets THIS MANY DOLLARS.
Or so he thinks. Little did he know that Mitch is horribly untrustworthy and may have already spent that money on Fabergé Eggs and pay-per-view porn. Seriously, $29.95 for 3 hours? WTF!!!
But here's the interesting part of the story, if you're still reading. The listing for the lm/lm/stnlc car from the Used Car Sales People:
Heated door mirrors, Low tire pressure warning, and Remote keyless entry. Gassss saverrrr! Power To Surprise! You don't have to worry about depreciation on this beautiful 2009 Kia Spectra! The guy before you got it all! What a guy! J.D. Power and Associates gave the 2009 Spectra 4 out of 5 Power Circles for Overall Initial Quality Design. Climb into this outstanding one-owner Spectra and you can't help but be impressed by the way that previous owner took care of it. This car is nicely equipped with features such as Heated door mirrors, Low tire pressure warning, Remote keyless entry, 4-Wheel Disc Brakes, 6 Speakers, Air conditioning, AM/FM radio, AM/FM/CD w/4 Speakers, Anti-whiplash front head restraints, Bodyside moldings, Bumpers: body-color, CD player, Driver door bin, Driver vanity mirror, Dual front impact airbags, Dual front side impact airbags, Four wheel independent suspension, Front anti-roll bar, Front Bucket Seats, Front Center Armrest w/Storage, Front reading lights, Full Cloth Seat Trim, Illuminated entry, Occupant sensing airbag, Overhead airbag, Overhead console, Panic alarm, Passenger door bin, Passenger vanity mirror, Power door mirrors, Power steering, Power windows, Rear anti-roll bar, Rear window defroster, Security system, Speed control, Speed-sensing steering, Split folding rear seat, Tachometer, Tilt steering wheel, and Variably intermittent wipers.
Oh snap!
Now as I, I mean Mitch pointed out to Juan, first they were generally complimentary about him in the ad. He is a great guy and he did take great care of it.
But while they were not obligated to mention the werewolf-related curse as it disappeared once Juan rid himself of the car and even as I'm typing this I realize that plot point was way more burden than it was worth, they didn't mention the accident. And while I didn't mention it earlier, when they only offered THIS MANY, which was less than Kelly Blue Book, it was because of the accident, and their obligation as Used Car Professionals to disclose the accident as part of the well known UCP Oath: "Never miss a chance to screw a customer." "We care" [about making as much money one each sale and Disclosure is just a crappy Michael Douglas/Demi Moore movie.]
Stay tune for part 2, wherein Juan attempts to cash Mitch's personal check. (Special guest star: Andie MacDowell)
Posts
0 comments:
Post a Comment