Saturday, February 20, 2010

Happy birthday Erica

I don't really known enough of her music, but I think this one will work.


Happy birthday dude!

My continued problem with Andrews McMeel Publishing

Key words: fuck, Dilbert page-a-day calendar fucked, defective fucking products, fucking shitty customer service, fuck Andrews McMeel Publishing, angry childish tantrum, fuck (wait, I said that already), racism (why not), denial of replacement, boobs, Michael Jackson (why not)

So previously on The Rebel Agenda (here), I described my on-going issues with the very uptight people at Andrews McMeel publishing. Yes, I said "fuck" in an email. And I was denied a replacement for a defective fucking Dilbert calendar. By the way, Scott Adams, way to support your fans. Thanks dude, next year, no 50% off revenue from me. I'll just find a new page-a-day to enjoy. Or, you know, not. Maybe I can fake my own at dilbert.com WHILE IGNORING ALL THE ADS. Monetize that dude.

Anyway, so as part of my on-going tantrum, I'm giving 1-star reviews to Andrews McMeel products at Amazon. Click images to embiggen... and I'm not lying in them.

Song of the day: "The High Road"

James Mercer of The Shins, and Danger Mouse of Gnarls Barkley and general awesomeness, have teamed up to sound like... well... the singer from Death Cab backed up by Dirty Projectors? Maybe. Still, it's got a hook.

Flashback song: "Hallelujah"

k.d. lang tore it up at the opening ceremonies a week ago (I'm using a different live performance of hers here). Justin Timberlake did a respectable job with it at the Hope for Haiti. I'm also including the classic cover by Jeff Buckley, John Cale's cover including lyrics that Leonard Cohen had only performed live, and X Factor winner Alexandra Burke's UK hit cover. How's THAT for 6:45 on a Saturday morning?

k.d. lang


Justin Timberlake & Matt Morris


Jeff Buckley


John Cale


Alexandra Burke


And some dude named Cohen

Today's scam is brought to us by the letter "B"

For Your contract/inheritance
Sat, February 20, 2010 1:25:30 AM
From: B

We have actually been authorized by the Presidency and the governing board of Central Bank the British Government with the help of the World Bank to investigate the unnecessary delay of your inheritance/contract payment, Recommend and approve your claims for Payment if certified as genuine.

Your name among others were forwarded to my humble office for verification of your surname in accordance with the beneficiary record, during the course of Our investigation, we discovered with dismay that your payment has been Unnecessarily delayed by corrupt officials of the Bank, who are Trying to divert Your funds into their private accounts.

As I found out that you have almost met all the statutory requirements in Respect of your pending payment, a lot of people are interested in your payment And those people are merely doing paper works with you and that explains why you receive emails and phone calls from different people everyday. To forestall this, security for your funds was organized in the form of your Personal Identification number (PIN) this will enable only you have direct Control over this fund.

We have also agreed with the IMF that we will monitor This payment ourselves to avoid the hopeless situation created by the Officials of the bank. We are happy to inform you that based on our verification your surname matched with the beneficiary?s payment record, your outstanding Contract Fund of ten Million United States Dollars ($US10.M). We shall upon hearing from you, forward the contact details of the central bank (CBN) Foreign Remittance Director to you to enable you make contact with him and also indicate your preferred mode of payment.

You are advised to furnish me with this below information:
(1) Your full name(2) Address (3)Cell phone /fax and mobile
(4) Occupation/position (6) Age and Marital Status (7)equity line of credit {yes}or {no}

We expect your urgent response to this email to enable us monitor this payment Effectively.

CONGRATULATIONS!
MRS.BETTY WRIGHT
SENIOR SPECIAL ASSISTANT
TO:
MR. BAN KI-MOON,
SECRETARY. UNITED NATIONS, NEW YORK.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Probably not

Your order has been paid! Parcel NR.4083.
...
Fri, February 19, 2010 8:17:11 PM
From:
Shop Manager Nannie Wagner
...

Postal_package_NR8422.zip (44KB)
Goodafternoon!

Thank you for shopping at Amazon.com
We have successfully received your payment.

Your order has been shipped to your billing address.

You have ordered " Nokia E75 "

You can find your tracking number in attached to the e-mail document.

Print the postal label to get your package.

We hope you enjoy your order!
Amazon.com

Flashback song: "Could You Be The One"

I was grooving on some old Grant Hart on this morning's commute and ran across this clip of Husker Du on Joan Rivers's old talk show on the great series of tubes. This is so impossibly 80s! And Warehouse: Songs & Stories was in rotation when I first started at the radio station. It's one of my noisy 2-6 a.m. albums.

Here's what's awesome: God GAVE him my email address!!!!

Your bank draft is ready (Its reward time) Contact my secretary!!!
Fri, February 19, 2010 2:20:52 PM
From: Rev.David Johnson
To:

JOHNSON ENGINEERING COMPANY,
26, V-Island Road,
Ikeja Avenue,
Lagos-Nigeria.

Dear Friend,

I am Rev.David Johnson from Canada, I have been an international contractor that collects contract from Big Companies and countries, I got involved in one contract in Nigeria which my payment was refused, I was down and almost lose hope.

After 2 years of this contract, I later talked to God to assist me in getting this money. I made a vow to benefit someone with the sum of Nine hundred thousand United State Dollars (USD $900,000) draft payment if my payment could be approved and to my surprise I was called upon by the Nigeria Government sometimes last month that my contract file have been looked into and it is ready for payment.I never believed it until I was advised by my Pastor and later moved down to Nigeria and to my unbelievable surprise I was paid this money.

Due to my pledge to God I have agreed to show the person that i will be sending the Nine hundred thousand United State Dollars (USD $900,000) through ballot system on the internet which happened to be your email so you are lucky. What you have to do now is to get in touch with my secretary Mr Robert Dennis and instruct him on how to send your USD $900,000 Bank draft to you.

BELOW IS THE CONTACT OF MY SECRETARY

Mr Robert Dennis
Office Phone : +234-802-903-1902
E-mail address: robertdennis002@wduty.com

Send to my secretary your contact address and telephone number,let him make arrangement for the shipment of your draft to your doorstep and also you can give him a call to confirm your address.What I want you to believe now is that this is the opportunity which God have promised you this year so it is better you have it in time before it goes again from you so contact my secretary in time.And for your information presently i am in the United Kingdom for another contract so i want you to go into prayer with me for the success of this contract.

With Best Regards,
Rev.David Johnson.

Flashback song: "February Ingenue"

I loves me some Don Dixon. I did a flashback of him with Marti a few days ago, but before February slips away I want to do this song as well. They are doing a mini-tour through the mid-Atlantic states... including Philly. Go if you have a chance.

Song of the day: "District Menagerie"

By Exit Clov (I say "clove"). The singer's got a Cardigans/Frente feel--I like the music here a lot (so even if chick singers aren't a big part of your thing, just indulge me).

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Quote of the day

"My mother did not carry me around under her arm like a loaf of French bread the way former Governor Palin carries her son Trig around looking for sympathy and votes."--Andrea Faye Friedman

Andrea is an actress with Down's Syndrome, who portrayed a character with Down's Syndrome on a recent episode of Family Guy. When asked what her parents do for a living, the character said her father is an accountant and her mom is the former Governor of Alaska.

Which (as if on cue) forced Sarah Palin to act all indignant about how she and her props children are being attacked.

Andrea says all the needs to be said... you go girl!

And now a widow of the famous

I LOVE how "she" claims to have gotten my email address... I would love to have a copy of that.

From: Mrs. Suha Arafat:

Dear Friend,

My name is Mrs. Suha Arafat, the wife of late Yasser Arafat, the Palestinian leader who died few years ago in Paris. I got your email address from lists of Emails Leads of World Population Achieves Data from the internet.

The reason why I'm writing you is to seek your partnership on a transaction of mutual benefit to you and me. If you are interested in partnering with me for investments, please provide me with the following listed information:

1. YOUR NAME IN FULL
2. YOUR OFFICE OR RESIDENTIAL ADDRESS
3. TEL, MOBILE AND FAX NUMBER.

Upon hearing from you, I will get back to you with details.


Respectfully Submitted,

Mrs. Suha Arafat.

Senator Mellencamp?

Hell yes!

1) No more Evan Bayh

2) John Mellencamp

That would be so FUCKING (no Dilbert calendar for me) cool!!!

Song of the day: "Good Morning (The Future)"

New music from Rogue Wave. I usually wait until there's a video with the traditional audio (avoiding live, acoustic or remixed versions of songs), but I like the sound these two get from the limited equipment they use. When you hear it (at Hot Topic, or the hipster bar with ping pong tables) it will sound much more polished. But here you get to see that the singer looks like Andy from Parks & Recreation, and the other dude looks like I feel at 6:30 a.m. (and also like Steven Wright).

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Pfff clearly spam

Hi, my friend!

Love, trust, understanding, affection, honesty, tolerance and loyalty are key factors for a successful relationship. Every time I think of you my heart misses a beat. You're my theme for a dream! Every moment we share together we grow closer. I'm simply hanging by a moment, waiting to see you so you can hold me sooo tight that all else fades.

I write this letter thinking about you, I want to tell you I will always be with you. I will wait here [DELETED] patiently, for the day to arrive when you and I meet.

Yourth faithfully
Oksany Z.

This can help me pay for my asbestos problem!

JH&W Consults Inc
233 Regent Street
Mayfair, London, W1B 2E,
United Kingdom
Tel:(+44)-7035988343


ATTN:

YOUR INHERITANCE FUNDS OF $12 MILLION


I am aware that this is an unconventional way of relaying an important message such as this. I am an associate partner in the firm of JH&W Consults Inc, in London, United Kingdom; we are a Private Investigators, Security Consultants and Financial Managers. We are conducting a standard process investigation/Recommendation on behalf of the Natwest Bank United Kingdom thus will be referred to as our clients. This investigation is about an account holder (Name Withheld) who bears same surname with you and the circumstances surrounding his investments at the Natwest Bank. The client (deceased) died intestate and nominated no successor in title over his investments made at the Bank amounting to over $12,000,000.00 USD.

The essence of this communication with you is to request that you provide us information/comments on any or all of the four issues as regards nominating you to inherit the fund left behind by this client.

Your answers and response(s) to the questions raised below will determine our recommendation to the Natwest Bank towards legally appointing you to inherit this investment fund after certified investigation has yielded results showing that there is no known relation of the deceased client.

1-Can you confirm your willingness to accept this inheritance if you are legally and legitimately appointed.

2-Would you agree to donate part of this inheritance to charity if you are officially approved to stand as the inheritor?

It is pertinent that you inform us ASAP whether or not you are familiar with this personality or and your interest towards the issues mentioned. You must appreciate that we are constrained from providing you with more detailed information at this point. We will provide you with additional information upon receipt of your response.

Yours Sincerely,
Mr. Samuel Moore.

Glenn Beck is just a liar

Rachel handled him last night (thank you Rachel Maddow, for making my blogging easy).

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Oh Dick, you colossal dick

Two of my favorite journalists review Dick Cheney's weekend appearance on Give A War Criminal A Microphone ABC News.

First, Glenn Greenwald (here):
In general, people who commit felonies avoid publicly confessing to having done so, and they especially avoid mocking the authorities who fail to act. One thing Dick Cheney is not is stupid, and yet he's doing exactly that. Indeed, he's gradually escalated his boasting about having done so throughout the year. Why? Because he knows there will never be any repercussions, that he will never be prosecuted no matter how blatantly he admits to these serious crimes. He's taunting the Obama administration and the DOJ: not only will I not hide or apologize, but I will proudly tout and defend my role in these crimes, because I know you will do absolutely nothing about it, even though the Attorney General and the President themselves said that the act to which I'm confessing is a felony. Does anyone doubt that Cheney's assessment is right? And isn't that, rather obviously, a monumental indictment of most everything?

And second is Rachel Maddow from Monday night (we will do Rachel from Tuesday night soon)--please watch the whole thing and if any of the politicians complaining about Mirandizing the criminal represents you, call their office and tell them to take their head out of their ass (I'm looking at you Maine):

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Song of the day: "Mouth Full Of Diamonds"

By Phantogram. 1 part Garbage, 1 part Bjork, and 1 part Tricky.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

My use of the word "fuck" bit me in the ass

Anyone who knows me, or has read more than 3 posts here, knows that I throw the word "fuck" around like it's a good 1/3 of my active vocabulary. That plus "dude" are a good 50% of the words I speak in any given day, and they get used in my written correspondence as well. I use these words when speaking to friends, coworkers and random fucking customer service people. I don't intend to offend when I use the word "fuck." Things are different when I call you a cunt.

My Dilbert page-a-day calendar is defective. For a few weeks now, July dates and cartoons have been showing up (these are the same cartoons as in July, so this is just "wrong pages got bound in error." As some background, I am a long-standing Dilbert page-a-day calendar buyer. I try to get one the minute calendars are marked down to 50% off, after New Year's Day--I've missed out getting one in the last decade and that really depressed me. Whatever I got in lieu of it just didn't hold up. So the Dilbert calendar people ought to respect that. I am a long-time customer.

So when I encountered this problem, I wrote the good people unconcerned humans at Andrews McMeel Universal and I said "What the fuck?" Actually what I said was

SUBJECT: My Dilbert calendar is broken

Or is today July 14th?

This is especially bad since the cartoon is the same one as the July 14 in a few months.

So, what the fuck?
 That's what I said. Period.

I didn't call anyone a bad name. I didn't accuse anyone of having his or her head up their own ass. I asked "what the fuck."

I did not get a response. So I took to twitter and was told to send my name and address to calendars@amuniversal.com, and I did.

And here is the response I got:

Defectives happen, much to our dismay, and when we are made aware, we are more than happy to make it right. Had your original request not contained a profanity, ESPECIALLY the f-word, joking or not, I would have been more than happy to send you a replacement calendar. However, when choosing to let us know of a defective calendar being rude, again - joking or not, is not going to get a resolution.

Thank you and have a great day.
ESPECIALLY THE F-WORD.

So it doesn't matter that this person acknowledges that there's a chance I might have been joking. What matters is that use of the word "fuck" has crossed the fucking line.

I wasn't clear what that meant, so I replied to clarify:
Sorry I hurt your feelings. Am I to understand that you will not be replacing this defective product as a result of this unprecedented affront? Please advise so I know whether or not to escalate this with a series of childish rants. Please don't keep your response a secret as you chose to fo last time.

The "fo" is just me replying from my phone.

This was confirmed:
You are correct.

So welcome to the beginning of my series of childish rants.

Are you fucking kidding me.

Maybe, just maybe, if you are sensitive to the word "fuck" then perhaps "customer service" might not be the best job for you to have.

And if you work at Andrews McMeel Universal perhaps you can apply for a job in their quality assurance department since it's clear that they need help there.

Since I've got nothing but a bad FUCKING attitude, a blog, and time, I'm gonna enjoy this. In fact, here's my first review on an Andrews McMeel Universal calendar on Amazon. (Click image to embiggen.) I will populate reviews for a variety of their calendar products.

I forwarded my most recent correspondence to Scott Adams, because I feel like he needs to know how his publisher is treating his fans.

OMG, he's here!

I'm presently at the international airport
Tue, February 16, 2010 5:39:55 PM
From:
Diplomat Patrick Brown    
Add to Contacts



新しいメールアドレスをお知らせします
新しいメールアドレス:atmcreditcardofficeeeeeeeeeee07@yahoo.co.jp

Attention Beneficiary,

I am a Diplomat Patrick Brown sent to deliver your Contract/Inheritance fund totaling $8.5m to you. I'm presently at theinternational airport. Now you have to reconfirm your details: Name, Address, Phone, Occupation & ID. Email me


Diplomat Patrick Brown

See, they HAVE to raise your credit card interest rate... duh

(h\t Matt Yglesias via Twitter)

The LA Times has a story (here) on banks increasing their lobby expenditures, in an attempt to fight new banking regulations:
"It seems like everybody is out of work except for bank lobbyists."--Ed Mierzwinski, a lobbyist for a coalition of state consumer organizations

In case you aren't currently outraged at the American banking industry, here's what you've missed:
  1. Push for continued deregulation
  2. Make exceedingly risky investments (not low-income mortgages, we're talking credit default swaps here)
  3. When those fail, get bailed out by American taxpayers
  4. Fuck those same taxpayers with onerous increases to interest rates, fees, etc.
  5. Fight any new regulations that might prevent the whole shit storm from happening again
  6. Award yourself massive bonuses (to ensure you keep your "best and brightest" in place
  7. Laugh all the way to the... well...

Anyway, this reminds me (yet again) that I need to move my money over to the credit union. The extra 4 block walk will do me good.

Song of the day: "Even Heroes Have To Die"

Ted Leo and the Pharmacists from their upcoming The Brutalist Brick.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Flashback song: "Follow You All Over The World"

Marti Jones with Don Dixon from just a few months ago. I love the interwebs (it's truly not a dumptruck). John--that's Bert from Camp.

The view from my commute home

I drove to work today to enjoy free on-street parking in celebration of President's Day (hey, I take what I can get). I parked by the north park blocks and got a little exercise in. I have never noticed the detail of this building on Broadway near Alder. (click to embiggen)
It's the Charles F. Berg building (details here).

The UN, using AOL and Hotmail for email!

Attention:

How are you today? Hope all is well with you and family?,You may not understand why this mail came to you. We have been having a meeting for the passed 7 months which ended 2 days ago with the then secretary to the UNITED NATIONS.

This email is to all the people that have been scammed in any part of the world, the UNITED NATIONS have agreed to compensate them with the sum of USD $500,000 (Five hundred thousand United State Dollars Only)..

This includes every foreign contractors that may have not received their contract sum, and people that have had an unfinished transaction or international businesses that failed due to Government problems etc.

We found your name in our list and that is why we are contacting you, this have been agreed upon and have been signed.

You are advised to contact Mr. Jim Ovia of ZENITH BANK NIGERIA PLC, as he is our representative in Nigeria, contact him immediately for your Cheque/ International Bank Draft of USD$ 500,000 (Five hundred thousand United State Dollars Only. This funds are in a Bank Draft for security purpose ok? so he will send it to you and you can clear it in any bank of your choice.

Therefore, you should send him your full Name and telephone number/your correct mailing address where you want him to send the Draft to you.

Contact Mr. Jim Ovia immediately for your Cheque:
Person to Contact Mr. Jim Ovia
Email: jim_ovia_21th@hotmail.com
OR jimovia12@aol.com
Tel: +234-802-666-7544
Fax: +234-802-773-3240

Thanks and God bless you and your family.

Hoping to hear from you as soon as you cash your Bank Draft.

Making the world a better place.


Regards,
Mr.. Ban Ki-Moon
UN Secretary General

This is so retarded


(h\t Wonkette)

Urgent (urgent urgent... emergency)

URGENT RESPOND NEEDED FROM YOU
Dear friend

My name is (MR HASSAN ZAKI) I am the manager of auditing and accounting department Bank of African,I need your urgent assistance in transferring the sum of ($10.5m us dollars immediately to your account. upon your reply I will send you full details on how the business will be executed,

send me your contact information to office@sbblanding.info.
1.Age.
(2)Residential adress
(3)occupation
(4)private telephone.

Waiting to hear from you soonest

Yours faithfully
Mr.Hassan Zaki.
office@sbblanding.info

Song of the day: "The President's Day Song"

Ms. Dina Martina--it's not new, but it's seasonal. And it's Dina, so fuck you and your judgementality (I'm gonna start calling you "Judy"... "Judge Judy").

I threw this together this morning. You can almost taste the lack of preparation.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Clark has figured out the secret of How I Met Your Mother

According to Clark Ted's talking to Marshall & Lily's kids and Robin is Ted's wife.

I think not.

We'll revisit this soon.

Archer on Hulu, like now!

Watch it, it's hysterical!

This would be that bragging

I totally win. Suck it Martha Stewart, the half-ass approach works really nicely. I need to actually write it up, and I recommend using at least a cup of a stronger cheese (so she called for gruyere which sounds good). I was planning to serve it with some crumbled bacon (see, smart), but I had some just now and I am very pleased.

Clark will give me shit about the "bread crumbs" (it said tear up the bread in 1/2" strips--next time I'm using garlic bread crumbs from a can), but the jokes on him because there are like 5 pans that need to be washed (plus a whisk).

But fuck the fresh ground nutmeg.

I used a whisk before 7:00 a.m.

That's not a good situation, I'm thinking. [UPDATE: Apparently I don't know how to spell "whisk."]

I had these intentions of making mac & cheese today, and when I woke up at 5:00 a.m., unable to fall back to sleep, I decided I would fiddle around in the kitchen. I heard the Martha Stewart recipe was a good one so I printed that out.

Fuck that. First, you are working in like 5 different pans. And BOOM nutmeg? Fresh ground nutmeg?

Yeah, so the half-assed mac & cheese looks like this, and I will report back if it's pretty good (I love to brag when my half-assed approaches turn out well).

Notes on The Hurt Locker

Have you ever gone to a movie with friends, the same movie, by the way, and left feeling like you all saw a completely different movie? That happened to me last night.

Not a completely different movie since they seemed to agree on it. But I don't think our assessments could be further apart. They both seemed to find it pointless, possibly bad and/or boring. And I fucking loved it.

Since I'm (almost) always right, they clearly have to be wrong here (wait, except when I'm wrong it's nearly ALWAYS because Clark is right, and he's one of the ones who thought it was boring.... crap, and Jack, who is one of a very small number of people that I consider to be actually smarter than me, didn't like it either). Okay folks, there's a good chance that I hallucinated an intense, sharply assembled movie with some fantastic acting.

Apparently I saw the movie that many film critics and Oscar voters saw, since it (along with Avatar) is the most nominated film this year. It seems to be on track to win Best Picture and Best Director for Kathryn Bigelow (who will be the first "girl director" to win). Its nominations for Best Actor (Jeremy Renner), Original Screenplay, Cinematography, Editing, Sound, and Sound Editing are all well deserved, but based on a variety of factors I could see The Hurt Locker ending up with the fewest Oscars of a Best Picture winner in the last 20 years or so.

Jeff Bridges seems to have a lock on Best Actor, and while I don't know that Renner deserves to win, he absolutely deserved his nomination. Anthony Mackie was fantastic as well, but since I've only seen one of the 5 Supporting Actor nominations, I can't say whether he deserved to dislodge Stanley Tucci or Matt Damon. But he was damn good, as was Brian Geraghty, the third of the primary trio.

Inglorious Basterds appears to be the likely winner for Original Screenplay, and I clearly didn't love that movie like the critics did. But it also had a more traditional story structure (actually, it had 3 overlaying stories, because THAT'S how Tarantino rolls) so I can see Locker losing there.

The cinematography is sharp and fantastic. A nice mix of shot types--I am a total sucker for overhead shots like the one with Renner standing in a spiderweb of bombs, or shots through the windows of minarets. Night scenes amidst the post-bomb fires were visually arresting and the sniper fight scene in the desert was haunting. Barry Ackroyd's nomination is well deserved but I can't see it winning ahead of the work in The White Ribbon (based solely critics awards and reviews) or Inglorious Basterds (which I am on record as LOVING).

I love the editing--the scenes of gravel reacting to the explosion and the mix of distances in the explosion shots, yeah, maybe it's a bit on the showy side, but it totally worked for me. But I have this sense that Avatar might win, just because it verges on a part of its visual effects mix. Not sure. Would rather Locker win this category. I've actually seen all 5 nominees here, so I will need to write them up together (not that you asked).

I'm a little lost on judging the two sound nominations. If Locker picks these up, you can bet that it's going all the way. If Locker loses these to Avatar, I don't think that means Locker is going to lose Best Picture.

Actually, I can also write up the 5 directors in a post. For me it's boiled down to a 3-person race: Bigelow, Cameron and Tarantino. Lee Daniels should be very proud of Precious, and while I enjoyed Up In The Air, I'm not feeling like Jason Reitman brought any special style to the movie. The only thing Cameron has in his favor is that Avatar is such an elaborately assembled visual event (notice I didn't call it a good movie)--Cameron could have directed Locker, and maybe even Precious and Basterds, but I'm not sure the reverse is true.

My next movies will be A Serious Man and A Single Man.

Song of the day: "Shadow People"

New music from Philly band Dr. Dog. Their new album Shame, Shame is out in April. I put them somewhere between The Flaming Lips and Phish. I'm sure that will offend someone, somewhere, some how--it's what I do--but I like the track.